Everything is contained in everything else. How I show up in one area of my life is often how I show up in all of them.
I knew I was starting to feel free and more restricted. When I finally couldn't take it anymore, I rebelled in full force.
I was aware that in the past when when I started to feel too restricted whether it be money, time, freedom, etc I would start to rebel aka self-sabotage in some way.
18 weeks ago I posted a video about a sugar cleanse I was leading. I had recently began to “kick” my sugar habit. In the video I was illuminating the idea that it talks about 16-18 weeks to change a habit or reach a goal. In yoga if you practice the same kriya or meditation every day for 120 days straight, you will confirm the new habit of consciousness created by the practice and the positive benefits of said practice get integrated permanently into your psyche.
To watch that video, click here.
I assumed for me, that if I kept and maintained eating in a more healthful way & fueling my cells with what keeps them alive that I would be done with eating processed sugar and stress eating. I assumed that after 18 weeks, I’d be done.
But you're never done.
Around week 12, I made some small changes to the amount of fresh veggies I was adding to my smoothies and meal because I wanted to save some money on groceries. (I’m going to Sanoviv Medical to get my Nutrition Advisor Certification and was saving up for the trip.) I was trying to do too much, I was putting too much pressure on myself to do everything, all at once.
This restriction to my eating, where I was adding as much organic greens and veggies to my meal so everything looked full and luscious to my portions just looking smaller and not really feeling satisfied by the meal, this restriction sent me into full on rebellion mode.
For 3 weeks, I started driving to the store grabbing some vegan-friendly chocolate covered almonds and eating them on the way home. And by eating them I mean finishing them by the time I got home.
I would ask why is the behavior happening. Why now? What’s happened to trigger this? Over and over I would ask. And when I found myself not getting an answer, I dropped back into old negative self-talk.
So I kept asking, why now? What is it?
At the same time, I started to set clearer boundaries around work, teaching and training my tribe. When I noticed, my schedule getting to restricted, aka: no free time for friends or just to play, I saw myself trying to rebel against showing up. This was my ah-ha. I saw how I was creating overwhelm around work and I want to just stop all together. Run away and never look back.
I recognize that everything is related. If I’m feeling like this here, where else do I feel this?
When your life starts feeling to overwhelming or to confusing, ask "where else do I feel like this in my life?"
Oh, when I eat. I wasnt finding any answers when I asked about my self-sabatoge around eating, but when I asked in the area of my work life -"Where do I feel this way in my other areas?" The message came loud and clear.
Sometimes, when you're in resistance, you cant just ask, "why"? Sometimes, you just gotta roll with it and focus your energy one creating balance somewhere else in your life. In that action, you may find the answer to your original question.
When I see that I’m restricting so much to save pennies, I rebel and go back to old patterns
When my work schedule is too strict and full, I rebell and fall back into old patterns of self-sabotage.
When I feel restricted in money, I rebel I buy frivolous things that I never use or even want.
What I learned in my health journey was to pace myself. A lifestyle has to be sustainable. You have to grow slowly and consistently into your new way of being. If to take on too much for too long, you get burnt out, you get resentful, you self-sabotage and rebel.
Pace yourself. Even after big leaps and level ups, get your footing before you launch again, otherwise you could fall as fast as you rise. So for now, I am back to eating in a way that feels good and in alignment with the program I started following 18-weeks ago, I am saving money in more mindful and healthful ways that don't feel restricted & I am creating more freedom in my work schedule to allow me to show up in the way I want to.
So now I want to hear from you,
When do you first noticed you're starting to self-sabatoge?
What practices do you have to maintain your mindfulness and awareness?
How do you rebel when you feel too restricted?
Comment below, I'd love to chat about it.
So…I had a pair of goal pants.
I know, I know. I’m a spiritual goddess yogini who should be beyond such trivial things. But I’m also a human being and had a pair of “goal” pants.
Here’s the story. I was shopping at St. V da P which is a consignment shop in Austin on South Congress. I saw some pants and was like “$4 and their cute & pinstripe, I must have them.” I didn’t try them on, I just bought them, b/c I can be randomly impulsive with my money - more on that another time and I also hate shopping so I’m a very “lets just get it done” attitude towards it.
Ok, so I get home with these super cute new jeans, which again, I’m a yoga leggings girl, so to have purchased jeans is a big deal for me. Anyways, I’m home trying on the jeans and I literally cannot get them over my legs.
They were like 4 sizes too small.
For reals, they were sooo not my size but I suddenly got it in my head that one day I would wear them. Seriously thought, I was like a size 15/16 and they were a size 7. I hadn’t been a size 7 since 8th/9th grade.
“Ok” I thought, “I’ve got some goal pants. I’ve never had goal pants, lets try having goal pants.” So flash forward 4 years later. Yes, 4 years. I got close a couple times, like i could pull them up and almost button them or I could button them but not breath and had to wear a flowy top to mask the muffining that was happening. But I kept them. They stayed stuffed in my closet and I would see them sometimes and just wish I could wear them, but would just keep toting them along. As if they were always on mind, they just hid in my closet.
Wishing and hoping only gets you so far, to attain a dream takes action. <---Click to TWEET
So I started to really do it. Not just kinda but like ok, what does it take for me to really feel healthy. I wanted to feel healthy in my body. I stopped caring about how that looked and focused on how it felt to FEEL HEALTHY.
So I did. I repaired my gut, I supported my liver and learned how to control my blood sugar and cravings. And then, steadily, my body released all the old bullshit.
After a bi-weekly weigh-in, I realized “Holy Shit, I weigh what I did in high school.” and I also realized many of my clothes no longer were fitting.
And then I saw the jeans and I put them on.
THEY FIT. Like daaayyyuuumm...they looked good.
In fact they were the only pair of pants I owned that actually fit even some of my yoga leggings are getting ready for donation.
But here’s the thing, I put them on expecting all my dreams would suddenly come true.
As if those goal pants would magically erase any self-doubt I still had, as if those pants would make my “prince charming” knock on my door, as if those pants would make me so financially free that i could quit massaging and teaching publically and just move away and write all day without any care in the world.
But they were just pants. I was still me, in my body.
Losing the weight didnt change me as a person.
I mean, yes, it taught me more mindfulness as I applied it towards what I was putting into my body.
Yes, I learned how to listen to my body and acknowledge and reward it with high prana, nutritious foods and supplements.
Yes, I learned what exercises and movement patterns were doing more harm than good.
But fitting into those jeans didn't make me perfect. It was a surprising wake up call that I didn't expect when I hit that goal.
Which is why having a goal to make said amount of money or fit into some jeans or have some type of partner doesnt work. Once you get it, you’re still you. Going after a goal that is not aligned with how you want to feel, will feel kinda worthless when you get it.
Those jeans represented me feeling healthy in my body. I felt healthy even before I put on the pants so the pants suddenly didnt matter. If you focus your energy in moving towards the feeling then you achieve your goal whether the pants fit or not, whether you make the money or not, whether you’re with the partner of your dreams or not.
It’s all yoga, it’s all an inside job.
So now I want to hear from you,
When did you achieve a big goal but then realized that’s not actually what you wanted?
What feelings are you intending to create in your day to day? How do you want to feel?
If you have a goal for a tangible item or thing, what is the feeling associated with it & how can you start generating that feeling right now?
Comment below and let me know.