Do you remember that scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark, where they opened the ark and those looking at it melted?
That scene is what I feared would happen if I started to shine my full light, to embody all that I was capable of, to be fully me.
I remember in grade school, our class was taking a test and that once you were finished, you could play outside. "Awesome", I thought and as usual, I was one of the first ones done. I turned in my stuff, got the “great job” from the teacher and out I went into the playground, only to find myself, alone, waiting for everyone else to finish. I felt bored as the playground isn't the same without your friends.
When they finally came out, I could tell they were upset that I had been out here "playing" while they were still stuck inside trying to finish their test. And so it began, I planted the seed early on, that being myself, meant I would be alone and I would make people mad. So I starting pretending to be less; to be less talented, smart, prosperous, all of it. That way I could still be with everyone and no one would be upset with me.
As I grew up, that seed of limiting myself became a full grown and from those subconscious thoughts, I attracted a "tribe" that would reinforce my belief that being fully "on" would either make people mad OR leave me all alone.
My light, on the other hand, didn't care about what I believed, it kept trying to get out and express itself, but my "tribe" at the time was not having it.
I would do something with minimal effort, and would be called a "know-it-all". I would find myself engaging & entertaining people in public and my friends would roll their eyes and demand I stop "showboating".
At work, I would get recognized for some achievement that I had strived for and would pride in myself. That is, until my coworkers would turn against me mumbling how I made them look bad.
Even in my romantic life, the men I use to date would eventually confess how intimidating I am when they first met me, so I would try to be a little less, downplay my life, dim my light just a bit more.
I would continue to try and play small so people would like me. Again, I didn't want to be isolated, uninvited, or alone so I played it down. I didn't want to separate myself from the pack.
But I couldn't stop the longing & the need to be fully me, to be fully "on", to be me.
When you expand & shine brighter, those closest to you may feel burnt, blinded or incinerated by your new radiance. <--TWEET THIS!
Sometimes your tribe gets accustomed to your baseline behavior and when you start to express yourself more fully, when you try to level up, they can act like crabs.
Acting like crabs refers to the phenomenon when you catch crabs and put them in a bucket they won't escape because inevitably when one starts to climb out of the bucket, the others will pull him down and not let him escape. If it keeps trying to escape they will eventually kill their own so the stay together.
Luckily, we are humans and not crabs, but it can feel like dying when you keep trying to level up and your old tribe turns against you.
This fear, that when we start to step into our full radiance, we will be all alone, is what keeps many of us living a mediocre life, but to deny yourself your full potential, is to deny your soul's purpose, your heart’s deepest longing, it is to deny your gift to the world.
My longing to be fully expressive, to step into my true power and capabilities became too much for me to contain. I knew I had to start owning who I was and knew that not everyone was going to like it, but that there were people out there waiting for me to step up.
My new mantra, the new seed I am planting goes like this:
I expand in abundance, success, health & love every day, as I inspire those around me to do the same.
So what do you do if you've had the dimmer switch on low?
“Every woman who heals herself, helps heal all the women who came before her, and all those who come after her.”